Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse
Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

Since the inception of this blog (January 2015), I have been faithfully writing on a daily basis, with blog posts written on my “good days” and scheduled in advance, to ensure seamless content being published. Unfortunately, around the beginning of Lent I started to struggle again, both emotionally and physically. It would be putting it lightly to say the last couple months, especially the month of April, have been extremely tough for me.

While I strive to be transparent in my writing, I don’t usually get too personal with my blog posts. Today’s post will break that trend. This month the Lord has put it on my heart to dig deep and share in a way that I am super uncomfortable. Even if there is only one of you out there that can identify, I know it’s worth making myself vulnerable. If you find yourself relating as you read along, this blog post was probably meant for you!

April marks the end of Lent and celebration of Easter. Here in New York, flowers begin to break ground and the Birds return, waking us with their beautiful song.

April is a month that points to new life and new beginnings. I was born in April. I’m an April Fool’s baby.

April is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I am a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.

“Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear about your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” ~Jon Acuff

I don’t remember much from my childhood, but I remember a man in my church who befriended kids. He was probably in his mid to late 30’s at the time and married to a woman named Sharyn. They both lived with Sharyn’s mom, Grace, in Honeoye Falls, NY. He was a tall, charismatic man who wore suits that looked like they were from the 60’s. Powdered pink. Baby blue. His hair was dark, parted to the right, and slicked back, like Ward Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver. He had a smile that would rival Mr. Rogers’. Most of the adults in the church seemed to really like and respect him. Steve Erickson. The name of my first abuser. He had his favorites and I was one of them.

When I turned eleven the repeated sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of this man finally stopped. The pastor’s son caught him trying to grope me in the back hallway of our church and confronted him. He told Steve to leave me alone or he would tell everyone what he had been doing.

It wasn’t long after this confrontation that the pastor’s daughter befriended me. She invited me over for a sleepover. It was the first time I had ever spent the night away from home.

One night when I was sleeping over, her brother, the same boy who had saved me from my first abuser, snuck into her bedroom. We were both asleep. He woke me up with an ugly goblin looking puppet (Boglin) and motioned for me to be quiet so as not to wake up anyone else.

He proceeded to touch me as I lay in his sister’s bed.

He had saved me from my first abuser, so I trusted him.

He told me he liked me.

I was too young to realize he was abusing me too.

For the next five years this abuse continued on and off, only at the time I thought I was in love. I would do anything this boy asked me to and he would use our little secret to control me. Our “relationship” continued until he finally went away to bible college.

It was the month of April when I saw this boy again. Only he was no longer a boy. He was now married.  More than five years had passed. He and his wife had moved back to New York after attending bible college in Missouri. His father, the pastor at the time, had recruited them to run a young adult group for the church.

His life seemed to be going so well, while my life was falling apart. I was twenty-one and a single mom at the time. I had just moved in with a my boyfriend who was a drug dealer and ex-convict. I had turned from the church and the things of God long before his return.

This man and his wife started to call me at home. I remember dodging their calls for months. I had heard through the grapevine they were trying to recruit young adults to attend their new church group and I had no interest in joining. When things between my live-in boyfriend and I started to get rocky (ex: he was physically and emotionally abusive), I finally gave in and revisited my childhood church.

Despite being married, the pastor’s son (my childhood “hero” and “first love”) took special interest in me. He convinced me to break things off with my boyfriend and even recruited a bunch of men from the church to move me back into my parent’s home.

It didn’t take long for him to find ways to spend time alone with me. He convinced his wife to get a part time job as a waitress and to take on ballroom dance lessons.

I am ashamed to admit that up to this point I had never read the bible on my own. I was ruled by my emotions and easily believed his lies. It didn’t take long for him to convince me to take part in an adulterous affair.

He made me believe he loved me and would have married me, but that his father forced him to get married to this woman because they were having premarital sex.

He would use bible verses to deceive me into believing that in God’s eyes WE were married first because of the sexual things he had done to me as a kid.

He would use manipulative tactics to make me feel sorry for him, stating his wife didn’t love him and that she had already cheated on him.

He told me she made him wife swap with another couple when they lived in Missouri and that’s why they had to move back to New York.

He used scripture to imply that in God’s eyes they were already divorced.

He bought me jewelry and told me that it was “our little secret.”

He made up stories for me to tell about where I got the jewelry, how I was spending my time, and instructed me to repeat the stories to anyone that asked.

30 thoughts on “Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse”

  1. I am very frustrated. Nobody at Victory Church knows that Paul Burress is a sexual predator because they covered it all up. Since then, Paul has gone to teen camp, ridden his motorcycle with women, and had access to hundreds of possible victims.

    Is there nothing more that can be done to prevent him from striking again? Everybody knows that predators that get away with it do it again. There will be somebody else whose story is exactly the same as the sad one Tina tells here if something isn’t done.

    Would victims be willing to go to the news? Or call individual deacons? Is there nothing else that can be done? Do we have to sit back and watch while Burress strikes again?

    1. The people that knew about Paul have all left, feeling helpless to do anything or, are there and hoping to change things from within. It was all kept very quiet and secret, even from the newer deacons that voted him in. Those deacons that knew about it did not know it’s true depth. The deacons have no power to change it back. It’s in the by laws.
      There are 2 ways to remove him from the very powerful position he is in;
      1) A victim must come forward and call the police. There was an open investigation with the Monroe County Sheriffs. Investigator Steve Peglow at 585.753.4722.
      2) The membership at Victory can vote him out. If they stop supporting him and ask for him to leave, he will have to. A new pastor would need to be found from outside the church. Those on the current staff are just as corrupt. There are plenty of good, solid pastors out there that would be happy to reform the leadership and the church could grow greatly from the new blood. I know it is a scary thing to change leadership, but God is in control, if you let Him do it.
      I was there myself when everything went down. I was helpless to fight it alone. It takes a group effort. One person cannot do it. They would find a way to make them go away. Every day I think about what is happening there and feel so bad for the people there that are unaware and for the victims of this man, both past and future.

  2. Much of what I would say has been said in the comments so many have posted. I was molested as a child and for many years even to this day have struggled with the thought that maybe I deserved being treated like I was…my value as a person was degraded and I thought maybe I did something to bring on or encourage the behavior. I now realize that this is exactly what abusers do to those they abuse. I was at the church you are talking about for 25 years and remember both you and your daughter as well as your parents. What is heartbreaking to me aside from all of what has happened to you (as if that is not enough) and to the other victims is how the congregation can be blinded to the truth and manipulated into believing lies. I was one who stayed throughout the first split. I believed whole heartedly that I was making the right decision to stay. I believe there are so many people who are trapped within this tangled web of evil. The people in leadership are using their knowledge of scripture to twist and use half-truths and smokescreens in order to maintain power and control. Somehow the attention has switched from the real victims to the pastor’s son. He has now become the victim of abuse and all others are trying to stop God’s work from moving forward. Any people who stand up and voice their concerns are unforgiving, gossips, who are out to cast stones. God’s word should never be used to promote or allow sin to continue unchecked. God has used this situation to bring me closer to Him and I can see He has done the same for you! However, I have this never ending dread that this behavior will continue and there are and will be more victims. A predator becomes more daring when they get away with behavior. He is now in a position of power greater than he was when he used that power over you and at least four others, not to mention his two wives. This behavior will continue. I’m glad this is on the internet…I’m glad many people have been warned…but I’m fearful that it is not enough. Please prayerfully consider pressing charges. There are many who believe you and many others who will believe you in time. God bless and care for you. What ever your decision, you are far braver than many people who have gone before you. God fill you with His Holy Spirit…bless and encourage you…and lead you in the way He would have you go.

    1. “A grand deception is achieved when offenders convince others that those who refuse to “forgive & move on” are the actual perpetrators.” -Boz Tchividjian

      This quote sums up my feelings regarding the twisting of scripture you spoke of. The same manipulation tactics were used against me. I felt like I was doing the honorable thing keeping silent all these years. I guess I just wanted to prove I could be loyal and forgiving. 🙁

      With that being said, no, I have no intention on pressing charges. My sister attempted to work with local police last year regarding the abuse she also experienced at Victory. I was present when the investigators visited. They were extremely dismissive and even went to the extreme of victim blaming. It saddens me how little our society thinks of victims of abuse and how quick they are to protect the abusers. Statute of limitations is up for both of us. The only thing we can do is speak out and hope that others come forward.

      At the root of all this evil is sin. The bible clearly tells us that we are all sinners. We all fall short. Not one of us deserves God’s grace (that includes me and my abusers too). Praise God, He offers it freely just the same to those who repent and believe. These Truths are what keep me moving and looking forward and I am blessed to have a husband who reminds me of them each day.

      I’m so sorry for all that you have been through, Brenda! I know how hard it can be to experience abuse. It breaks your trust in people, and if your heart is left untreated, that lack of trust can overflow and poison your view of self and God too.

      Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I will be praying for you and your family.

      God bless,
      Tina

      1. You are very courageous speaking out about this, and I am so sorry you and the others went through that. It truly makes my blood boil.

        With that said though, I strongly recommend you pursue legal action if charges cannot be brought. While the perpetrators will not serve any jail time (they should), you will at least have effectively limited, or if all goes well, eliminated the pool from which they draw victims . That place is not a church anymore, it is a hunting ground for a predator who is protected by the others in charge. There are many women and girls currently trusting these “men” who have no idea. Short of legal action or media coverage, they never will.

        Please strongly consider it.

  3. Hey Tina,
    I just wanted to let you know that the boy and his sisters in law came forward before the German girl (myself) did. I would never have come forward if noone had asked and told me that others had come forward first. It was a very hard time for me as many ppl believed me – just not the ones in charge. It was due to the fact that I had feared noone would believe me that I had kept everything that he had done to me a secret for years. And one I hd come forward that is exactly what happened. Ppl did not believe me and covered everything up. Even my other host family, who I had lived with after moving out of the pastors home, did not believe me. My host mom said things like: “well I wasn’t there” and “he just is a little touchy, maybe you interpreted it wrong”…. some ppl said the letter I had written (it contained my whole story) must have been written by someone else who wanted bad things to happen to the oh so innocent pastor. They said a German would not have been able to write such good English…

    Thanks for sharing Tina! You are a very strong, courageous woman. I will pray for god to comfort you. Stay strong!

    Love and hugs.

    1. Someone close to the situation actually shared with me the letter you wrote to Victory Church’s leadership. It broke my heart to read. Your words could have been taken out of a page from my childhood diary. He said and did very similar things to me when he was abusing me (I’ll spare you the specifics because I don’t want to trigger you).

      I am grateful for your courage in speaking out. If I had not read your letter I would still believe the lie that what happened to me was an isolated incident, a temporary lapse in judgement. Your words made me realize the pattern of behavior on both the abuser’s and church leadership’s part.

      I am so very sorry you experienced abuse at the hands of someone who was charged with protecting and spiritually leading you. I want you to know that what happened to you was not your fault. You are a brave woman for sharing your story (regardless if it was you or the others who initially spoke out first).

      Thank you for reaching out, hon! I only wish we had connected sooner and under better circumstances. Know that you have been in my prayers often over the last year and that I will continue to pray for you. You are a child of the one true king. I am confident that He will work all things out for your good and His glory.

      Hugs & blessings,
      Tina

  4. Oh Tina, first of all, thank you. Thank you for going here. Thank you for putting your worst lived nightmare online. Thank you for speaking light to what happened in the dark. More people resonate with this story than you will ever know. More people are encouraged by this than you will ever know. I am deeply sorry for these horrible things that happened to you. I wish I could rewind time and save you, but you have so much of a greater Savior than I could ever be. I love you deeply and just know my heart is reached out to yours and is extending a gigantic hug. Keep speaking truth and light and freedom. Don’t let the enemy get in. Cheering you on from the #RaRalinkup on Purposeful Faith.

  5. Wow, thank you Tina for your bravery. You are helping many. Sexual abuse is a bigger problem among church leaders than most realize. We have a friend who only counsels pastors in crisis. I pray that you continue to heal as God uses you to heal others.
    Blessings,
    Christy

  6. Tina, as so many others have said– you are beautifully courageous and brave to share your story. I am so grateful to hear how the Lord is weaving the pain you have experienced into a platform for you to love on others. Blessings to you as you walk this path.

    1. Thank you for your encouraging words, Aundi. God is so good! I’m humbled and amazed by His faithfulness each and every day.

  7. Tina, my heart broke with each word you wrote. I pray God redeems your broken pieces as you share your story so that both you and others will find healing in His arms.
    Thank you, Tina, for bravely sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )

    1. Thank you so much for hosting #IntentionalTuesday, Crystal. The connections made have been a blessing. And, Thank you for your prayers and heart of encouragement too!

  8. Hi Tina, I’m stopping over from the linkup. As the other comments have already said, your vulnerability and transparency provide such a fertile ground for healing & ministry, not just for you, but for those who’ve gone through a similar experience. I’m saying a prayer right now that God will restore what’s been stolen. I love that regardless of our backgrounds or experiences, God’s pursuit of us remains the same.

  9. Tina,
    Thank you so much for your transparency and vulnerability. Thank you for trusting God with us, to share about this part of your life. You are a strong woman of God and I pray that God continues to use this for your good and His glory.
    Blessings to you sister,
    Stacey
    P.S. I was born in Upstate NY and grew up in Northern NJ. 🙂

  10. Thank you for being willing to share your story. I am so sorry for what you have endured, but I admire your bravery. I am sure God will use your testimony to help others that might be going through something similar. Visiting you from the Intentional Tuesday Link Up.

  11. Thank you for sharing your story. May God use you to speak truth into the hearts of women who have faced abuse time and again. Press on, sweet sister!

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Stephanie! I am blessed by our recent connection and your words of encouragement. 🙂

  12. Your bravery and transparency today is exactly what another woman needs to hear. God will use your story to begin the process if healing for others.

    My heart aches for the devastation of the abuse and the manipulation of the abusers. I will be praying for you and others who are experiencing the same things. Blessings!

    1. Prayers are always appreciated, Mary. Thank you! And, Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. God bless you, Tina

  13. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that, and at the hands of those who called themselves Christians. I think it happens more often than we realize. You are brave to tell your story. Maybe if more are willing to do that, they will finally be heard. What I keep hearing is that the victims are not believed and those who do the abusing go free in so many instances. This is so not right. Much love to you and may God bring healing to you and use your story to help others. I pray God will bless you richly!

    1. You are definitely right, Gayl. I can’t count the amount of women I have recently connected with that have similar stories to tell. I have found healing in bringing the truth to light and by encouraging others to break their silence as well. God has used these moments to teach and strengthen me and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Blessed as always by your encouragement, God bless, Tina.

      1. Tina,
        May God continue to encourage and strengthen you. It is never too late to press charges to stop this if they are hurting others.
        Have a blessed day!

        1. Thank you for your encouraging words, Monica.

          I heard statute of limitations is 5 years from the last incident of abuse or at age 23 if it occurred prior to the victim being 18. That means for me personally, I cannot pursue legal action unless I sued the church directly for knowingly covering up the abuse and enabling it to continue by keeping abusers in a position to abuse. I’ve opted to show grace and forgiveness and use the power of the internet to break the silence about what took place.

          Ultimately, I know God is in control and He is faithful to bring truth to light. I trust His means and timing and I’m blessed to know He shows me the same grace He has shown my abusers.

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